Friday, November 9, 2012

Bond in the Mitten

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By Doctor

This week marks the 50th anniversary of James Bond debut on the big screen (official Bond canon) in Dr. No introducing the world to Sean Connery as 007 (and of course Ursula Andress). Now I love the Bond films. I’ve seen them all and appreciate each of the actors that have carried a license to kill on the big screen. I own the James Bond Scene It? trivia game, but have yet to find anyone to play me, so the game sits tragically underused (I’m pretty sure that would qualify as a first world problem).

I wanted to honor this Bond milestone and express my anticipation for Bond’s 23 big screen outing, SkyFall, hitting screens in November. However, this is a blog about Michigan, so how do I tie in the British super spy into the Mitten State? Good question. Answer: by coming up with three hypothetical story lines for a Bond movie to be set in Michigan.

Bond defeats Eco-Terrorist on Mackinac Island
In thinking of potential Michigan locations for a Bond movie, Mackinac Island immediately came to mind as the most logical place. It is the best combination of exotic location and luxury featured in Bond films. Imagine Bond in a tuxedo drinking a martini confronting the evil villain on the Grand Hotel Front Porch as the sun set over the Mackinac Bridge in the background – it’d immediately become an iconic image in Bond lore.

Mackinac Island would serve as an excellent location for a Bond plot featuring an eco-terrorist who plans to rid the world of man who is killing the earth with our cars and aerosol cans. Where better for an eco-terrorist to hole up than an island that prohibits motorized vehicles representing the type of pure world the villain is striving to bring about and is on an island and therefore isolation from the (insert global threat here). Since it’s a movie, viewers need not smell all the horse shit or be bothered that suffering through a Mackinac Island winter would make it a less than ideal location to weather the apocalypse (pun intended – exception of maybe a zombie apocalypse).

Imagine the potential awesome Bond scenes beyond the iconic Front Porch scene.

  • A moonlight shoot out in Fort Mackinac – originally a British Fort.
  • The potential for Bond on horseback. Possibly alongside or at least in a carriage with the Bond girl (we nominate Olivia Wilde).
  • Bond turns the villains’ main squeeze by strolling along the Mackinac Island Main Street and buying her fudge before bedding her and getting her to switch sides.
  • Remember we’re on an island which means yachts, speedboats, maybe a submarine, and maybe a boat chase among the Mackinac Bridge pillars.
  • Bond stopping and giving a second glance to a photo of Jane Seymour (Live & Let Die Bond girl, Solitaire) located in the Grand Hotel in homage to Somewhere in Time.
I seriously thinks that this needs to happen. The following ideas are more of a stretch, but were fun to think up

Bond Saves Art Prize
Bond is on the trail of a deranged terrorist who engages in acts of terror because he sees the mayhem he creates as works of art. What better target for a young eccentric deranged terrorist who views his mayhem as artwork than the worlds’ largest open art competition? After following the villain through other traditional exotic Bond locals, 007 tracks the terrorist to Grand Rapids, MI where the villain has entered a bomb as an Art Prize entry. Bond has to track down the villain, identify the bomb, and diffuse it.

Along the way, Bond enlists the help of a young beautiful artist (Olivia Wilde, again, get the idea that I'd like to see Wilde as a Bond girl) who assists him do reconnaissance of artists and art across the city. During the course of the movie, Bond is captured and is ensnared in one of the bad guys sculptures that doubles as a torture/death device in front of enthralled crowds who don’t realize the true severity of the situation (the contemporary art entry sculpture/torture device wins the top juried prize). Of course, our hero survives, kills the bad guy, and diffuses the bomb before it explodes in the B.O.B. parking lot.

Bond Saves Detroit from a RoboCop Remake
As hope for a Detroit recovery continues to diminish, the city continues to descend into the dystopian and crime-ridden city imagined in Paul Verhoeven’s 1987 film.

Bond is sent to the motor city to investigate after a big corporation (e.g. OCP) announces a deal with the city that would bring thousands of jobs and a huge tax base to the shattered city. Bond discovers that Detroit’s corruption and lawlessness has created the perfect scenario for the SPECTRE/OCP type company to conduct illegal weapons research, development, and manufacturing shop. City leaders retain their positions, are paid directly by the evil corporation.

Bond is sent in to tear down the evil corporate/statism structure and succeeds by finally defeating the villain using Joe Louis' fistWait, sorry, there is already a RoboCop reboot in the works. Oh well, I'm still stoked to see Bond tonight.